Monday, October 31, 2011


This happened...

I wasn't actually at the game, but I was at a bar so I had plenty of fun. After everything the Cards had to deal with this season, I'm still not sure that win actually happened. Their best pitcher was out all season, their second best pitcher had a down year (Carp was 11-9 during the season), and the best hitter in the history of baseball had a the worst year of his career. The bullpen couldn't keep a lead for multiple stretches during the season and the Cards lost games they had in the bag. A highly criticized three team trade sent Colby Rasmus to Toronto, while the Cardinals got pitchers Edwin Jackson, Octavio Dotel and Marc Rzepczynski, along with outfielder Corey Patterson.  

Everybody knows what happened next: 10.5 back, an improbable run into the playoffs, the huge upset of the Phillies in round 1, the dominance of the Brewers in round 2 and then a World Series title over the Rangers. That Rasmus trade turned out to be HUGE as all the pitchers played a role. 

Game 6 of the World Series was easily the greatest baseball game I have ever watched, and I think the momentum from that game carried the Cards in game 7. Texas had no chance in game 7, I know they scored 2 in the first inning, but that turned out to be a continuation of game 6 as David Freese's double in the home half tied it up. It was over after that. The Rangers' will to play was gone, a quick start and attempt to grab some momentum of their own was Freezed out. That was a terrible Freeze pun but I had to try.

Tony LaRussa retired this morning after winning his second World Series with the Cardinals and his third overall. I was never a huge fan of LaRussa, but I must admit he saw the game of baseball differently than anybody in the game. He was a mastermind of baseball and will be impossible to replace. He also passed out behind the wheel at a stop light and got a DUI, he's a legend in STL for multiple reasons.

Sunday, during the celebration for the Cardinals, St Louis realized their terrible football team had a home game as well. The Rams acknowledged the Cards before the game and then came out in what I think are the best uniforms in football. The throwback and Superbowl winning blue and yellow jerseys. The Rams seemingly had no chance against the Saints, who were coming off a 62-7 beat down of the Colts. 60 minutes and 52 total points later the Rams had their first win of the season: 31-21. Chris Long and rookie Robert Quinn dominated on defense. Stephen Jackson went wild for 159 yards and 2 touchdowns. 

Denver played some left-handed guy they picked out of the stands at quarterback and got manhandled by the Lions. Miami almost won, almost. The Colts still suck and Peyton Manning has a great case for MVP this year. 

--Mark Roche

Sunday, October 30, 2011

News from the NBA Lockout: White People Don't Care

Chad Selliers

What happens when the greediest of owners get together with the greediest of athletes in order to talk out their differences? Nothing…Yet.

                In the suburbs, the NBA is cool until you outgrow the phase of lowering your basketball hoop to 7 feet in order to dunk on it. Basketball is cool until the white people living in the suburbs realize how poorly they compare to African-American’s.  After that, white people toss the game of basketball lackadaisically aside like an errant Mike Tisdale pass on a fast break.

                Now, the top basketball league in the entire world is threatening to Mike Tisdale the 2011/2012 season on the basis of something I frankly don’t care enough about to research. But I do know this: They both want that cheddar and the small-market teams are losing money at a faster pace than they ever have before. What could this possibly be attributed to? I’ve pondered my very existence to find out.

                If I were a betting man, which I’m not because it’s a sin (and I don’t have any money to bet), I’d have to believe that the fact that out of 30 teams in the NBA, only about 8 have been relevant for about…um…65 years.

                Luckily for myself and pretty much everyone I know, it doesn’t matter. It doesn’t take a dead Red Auerbach to tell you that there is no defense played in the NBA. Since white people pride themselves on hard work, defense, layups and hustle, the NBA isn’t actually very appealing once your attention span grows to the level of an adult.

 Sure, it’s fun to watch LeBron James slice through the lane, take 8 steps and dunk over Brian Cardinal. And sure, it may be even more fun to tickle Nate Robinson in the locker room post game (if he lets you), but when it’s all said and done, if you really love the game of basketball, do you get anything out of it from a viewing perspective?

What do you get in the NBA that you don’t get it college? If you reverse that question you’ll find that in college, you get 52-49 snoozefests while at the same time getting to root for guys that get paid modestly in shoeboxes instead of $20mil checks. You get to experience March Madness, and by experience, I do mean lose money. But that’s all 10x more fun than watching your run of the mill 120-110 game in the NBA.

And if we’re completely honest, who really cares about any form of basketball until like February? Basketball is the bridge-gapper between football and baseball. It’s always been the third wheel in a primarily two wheeled American sports scene. The more I think about it, the happier I am their probably won’t be a NBA season this year. Of course, ESPN is going to glorify the coverage of the lockout, but do these already ridiculously overpaid players really need to keep the salary cap at $58mil rather than $45mil? Are they going to lose all of their money if, God forbid, they lose year 4 of their 6 year, $100mil contracts? As long as they don’t go around buying personal Boeings I think they’ll be fine.

I think that I speak for everyone when I say that I’m glad I won’t have to listen to LeBron cry about how he can’t shoot in the fourth quarter. In fact, I won’t have to watch or listen to the Heat at all! The only thing I’ll miss, aside from another Miami Heat implosion, is making fun of all of the Miami Heat bandwagoners.  

So what have we learned today?  In a world ruled by corruption and greed, the most corrupt group of owners and the greediest of all professional athletes are locked out and locked into a federal mediation room for the foreseeable future. I wouldn’t have it any other way.



Friday, October 28, 2011

The Best Fans In Baseball?

By Chad Selliers                         

   Considering the fact that I have a penis, albeit ludicrously small, I turn my TV onto ESPN at least once a day. Actually, ESPN accounts for about 75% of my non-Tivo’d viewing. Since today is like any other day, I turned on ESPN. More precisely, I turned it on FirstTake on ESPN2, as is my morning ritual. Simply expecting Skip Bayless to blow his load at the mere thought of Tim Tebow throwing an incomplete pass, I was subjected to something much, much more horrifying, something completely wrong in every sense of the word.

            I literally laid on my couch, in absolute astonishment, when Skip Bayless, Jay Crawford and the ever-so-thick *cough* chubby *cough* Dana Jacobsen proceeded to bash St. Louis Cardinals fans to the extent of Crawford stating, “I think the fans of St. Louis have lost their title as ‘Best Fans in Baseball’ after last night.” Skip Bayless, a self professed, “Die-hard Cardinals fan” as a youth agreed. Apparently, I’m saying apparently because I didn’t notice it but,‘drones’ of Cardinals fans headed to the exits like Nelson Cruz was Andrew Jackson and Cardinal Nation were headed down the trail of tears. After battling back from behind three times in one game, back to back home runs suddenly seemingly sealed (alliteration) the Cardinals fate in the seventh inning, jutting out to what appeared to be a robust lead on the heels of Rangers back-to-back home runs. Sure, it was late, it was cold and granted, all hope had appeared to be lost. Do I blame people for trying to catch the early, un-crowded, un-fullofhomelessblackpeople Metrolink back home? No.
                 Then, the cast of FirstTake went on to belittle St. Louis on the fact that there were “A bunch” (about 7% of the totality, according to my inside source, Wes Turner) of Rangers fans in attendance. Now, at any given home game, it’s impossible to completely sell out tickets exclusively to home fans. I’m no math genius, but we’ve sold out EVERY GAME, EVERY YEAR since I was born. That’s a shitload of tickets sold. About 3,000,000 per seasons worth, to be exact. And these cronies, these talking heads have the audacity to question OUR fanhood!? I've been sick with the flu for about a week, achy and groggy...But as soon as I heard that, the Irish blood in my body began boiling. I didn't feel sick in the tense of sickness, I felt sick after hearing what I heard. If I had been within a 30-mile radius of Bristol, CN, and had stumbled upon a stronghold of heavy artillery, it's needless to say what I would have done. 

                           There are a lot of front running Rangers fans with money. There are a lot of true Rangers fans with money. It’s a ten hour drive. I’m sure some people, hoping to see their favorite team win their first World Series in the history of forever, would certainly sacrifice a long drive and about $500 of their oil tycoon money to watch it in person. Personally, I saw only a sprinkling of blue in the entirety of a sea of red, which is a given in any World Series Game, regardless of the locale.
  Then, Skippy blamed the loss on Nelson Cruz’s unwillingness to charge through the cement wall in right field in order to save a game-tying triple in the 9th off the bat of local product, and the Cardinals relative yet stereotypical Mizzou-flunking Fratboy cokehead, David Freese, calling it a, "Buckner-esque mistake." (He seriously said that) I’d venture to guess that about 55% of major league right fielders would not have made that play either. Just because Cruz is possibly roided out of his mind doesn’t necessarily make him Iron Man. Fucking dick.

            This is all said on top of the Mike Napoli handjobs being given out by the “Worldwide Leader in Sports.” Is he having the series of his life? Yes. Does throwing out Allen Craig twice on failed hit-and-run attempts make him half the defensive player Yadi is? No. In fact, I’m just going to throw this out there: Not only does Napoli lose control of balls multiple times per game, he’s also had to switch to a bigger catcher’s mitt, Christina Aguilera size to be exact, in order to limit the numbers of passed balls he gives up. On top of that, let’s be real. Even Nolan Ryan’s old, wrinkly, arthritic and liver-spotted body could have thrown out Craig at second base. From his knees.

            If you can’t tell, I am a strong believer in St. Louis being the home of not only one of the best teams in all of baseball, but also the best fans in all of baseball. Just a quick study I’ve done by myself over the course of this postseason completely confirms my position. When the Cardinals went to Philadelphia and played at Citizens Bank Park, the fans booed Albert Pujols, the best player in the game. When Philly came to Busch, no one booed for Halladay, Howard, or Pence. When the Cardinals went to Milwaukee and played at Miller Park, the fans booed Albert Pujols. When Milwaukee left a stain on St. Louis with their piss-flavored water of a beer, no one booed anyone aside from prima-donna and literally split-personalitied Nyjer Morgan. When the Cardinals went to Texas and played at The Ballpark in Arlington (gay name) the fans booed Albert Pujols. When the Rangers came to Busch, no one booed Hamilton or Cruz or Beltre. Why do they boo him? Because he’s the best player of our generation? Because he’s never hurt anything or anyone aside from the opposing teams pitching? That’s how I know we’re the best fans in baseball. Aside from a few playful jeers here or there, we show the utmost respect for opposing players and teams 81+ games out of the season, and despite how we perform on the field, we can always pride ourselves on that. Today, I saw over three quarters of the students and faculty at my desolate community college in Southern Illinois wearing either red or some sort of Cardinals paraphernalia. I test you to show me the same thing happening under the same circumstances 30 miles away from any other Major League Baseball team.

            None of this bullshitery should take away anything from Game 6 of the 2011 World Series. In what was a game of supreme strategical wizardry by both managers, it shouldn’t be dulled by blame, insults or any of that shit. Although I was not sober from about the fourth inning on, I could tell you that that was the best game of baseball I’ve ever seen played. I think that it shows exactly the amount of resolve in the St. Louis Cardinals’ DNA, and is a true metaphor for the entire 2011 season.

            In a game that literally went from one of the sloppiest World Series Games ever played, to arguably the best World Series Game that was ever played, nothing should overshadow the brilliance that was last night. Nothing should overshadow what was the defining moment, given a win in Game 7, of any Cardinals fan that was born post 1982. And for the best fans in baseball, that’s really saying something.

Wednesday, October 26, 2011

Is Skip Bayless Gay?

-Chad here:

Exactly how long can Tim Tebow get mindfucked by Skip Bayless before eventually losing his virginity? My guess would be about two weeks ago. Now, not only can Skip Bayless pride himself on being a certifiable douchebag, he can also say he popped Timmy Tebag’s (as my mother, a Broncos fan, affectionately refers to him) ass cherry. Not only do I find it disgusting that the 31st best starting quarterback in the NFL has literally locked down ESPN, I find it disgusting that he’s done it for about two and a half weeks. 
I don’t know Skip Bayless personally, but I can probably describe to you exactly what his nightly routine is. First, he takes a warm, lengthy bubble bath, washing off all of the Tebow-hating impurities thrown at him by whoever his counterpart on ESPN’s FirstTake was that day. Then, he pushes play on his DVR, slowly pleasuring himself to the replay of last week’s Broncos game, with Barry Manilow’s Greatest Hits Vol. 1 softly playing in the background. After he’s finished, literally, he slips on his XXXL #15 Broncos jersey like a nightgown, rests his sleepy little frosted-tipped head, and dreams about the day Timmy might finish an NFL game with a completion percentage of over 50%. 
Each morning before my M-W-F classes, I get the great displeasure of watching FirstTake on ESPN2. I turn it on, hoping for some great sports banter I can relay to my friends, but instead, I’m forced to watch wall-to-wall coverage of Tim Tebow’s last start. Whilst somewhat understandable on, say, a Monday after one of his games, I literally have to listen to Skip go at it with the analyst across from him non-stop. For two hours. Like, I totally understand what’s going through Skip’s mind the entire time he’s drooling over Timmy’s latest 4-16 performance: He’s obviously drooling over Tebow’s magnificently ripped, yet completely pure body. As I’m watching, I often think to myself, “By God, this old man is about to have a 48-hour Viagra-induced stroke.” 
He pounds his desk with his fist, more than likely taking out the frustration he faces on a day-to-day basis, knowing that he will never get to meet Tebow in person…knowing that he’s quite possibly on the registered sex offenders list in Colorado for making a series of lucid and graphic phonecalls to Tebow’s humble abode. 
What further infuriated me today was when Skippy said that “More people hate Tim than T.O.” …. Are you fucking serious? No. No. No. Fuuuuuuuck…No. T.O is a certifiable head case, with legitimate psychological issues. Tebow is nothing more than a saint. No one hates Tim Tebow? How could you?
Oh wait…Maybe if Tim Tebow and all of his saint-ness is shoved down our throats 24/7 on the world’s top sports network. 
In conclusion, I basically hate Tim Tebow. I realize I’ve contradicted myself a bit, but I’d like to thank Skip Bayless errr…Tebow? for that

just some things that bother me..

I'll start by introducing myself. Mark Roche is my name and I'm in college.
Chad Selliers will be making posts as well.

I love sports. I have played them, watched them as long as I can remember so I naturally have opinions about them.

ESPN is where I go, like most men, to get my sports updates and such. I've spent countless days watching SportsCenter continuously, sometimes because the remote is on the other side of the room and I'm lazy, but that isn't the point. If you have been watching or following any major sport networks lately I'm sure it has been crammed into your brain that Tim Tebow is no longer 3rd string for the Broncos.


This fact alone has caused everybody in the sports world to completely lose their shit.

This morning I was watching First Take and Skip Bayless and Stephen A. Smith were having a Tebow discussion. Then Skip Bayless said something that makes me think he will soon be in a nursing home. Seriously. He said he would rather have Tim Tebow in the 4th quarter with the game on the line instead of Tom Brady. TOM BRADY! The Tom Brady who is, arguably, the best QB in the NFL right now. Tebow did get drafted higher than Brady, but that will be the only thing he will ever have on him. Tebow played 55 minutes of garbage football, and was then bailed out by the worst team in the NFL this year. Had Tom Brady been QB that game, he would not have needed to come back from 15 points down, he most likely would have been on the bench the whole 4th while his backups did mop up duty.

I'm sure if you take the time to google Skip Bayless's criteria as a sports journalist he has accomplished plenty of things, good for him, Tim Tebow is still not a very good NFL QB.

I'll admit that the Broncos are not a good team and that Tebow did get them the win. Maybe he will blossom into a Steve Young type player. No? okay how about Mark Brunell? Yea that sounds more like it.

New Zealand won the Rugby World Cup. I care because I really want to go there someday, so good work all Blacks. I would not want to go up against this.
Check out my friend John's blog. He know's his shit about music.