Exactly how long can Tim Tebow get mindfucked by Skip Bayless before eventually losing his virginity? My guess would be about two weeks ago. Now, not only can Skip Bayless pride himself on being a certifiable douchebag, he can also say he popped Timmy Tebag’s (as my mother, a Broncos fan, affectionately refers to him) ass cherry. Not only do I find it disgusting that the 31st best starting quarterback in the NFL has literally locked down ESPN, I find it disgusting that he’s done it for about two and a half weeks.
I don’t know Skip Bayless personally, but I can probably describe to you exactly what his nightly routine is. First, he takes a warm, lengthy bubble bath, washing off all of the Tebow-hating impurities thrown at him by whoever his counterpart on ESPN’s FirstTake was that day. Then, he pushes play on his DVR, slowly pleasuring himself to the replay of last week’s Broncos game, with Barry Manilow’s Greatest Hits Vol. 1 softly playing in the background. After he’s finished, literally, he slips on his XXXL #15 Broncos jersey like a nightgown, rests his sleepy little frosted-tipped head, and dreams about the day Timmy might finish an NFL game with a completion percentage of over 50%.
Each morning before my M-W-F classes, I get the great displeasure of watching FirstTake on ESPN2. I turn it on, hoping for some great sports banter I can relay to my friends, but instead, I’m forced to watch wall-to-wall coverage of Tim Tebow’s last start. Whilst somewhat understandable on, say, a Monday after one of his games, I literally have to listen to Skip go at it with the analyst across from him non-stop. For two hours. Like, I totally understand what’s going through Skip’s mind the entire time he’s drooling over Timmy’s latest 4-16 performance: He’s obviously drooling over Tebow’s magnificently ripped, yet completely pure body. As I’m watching, I often think to myself, “By God, this old man is about to have a 48-hour Viagra-induced stroke.”
He pounds his desk with his fist, more than likely taking out the frustration he faces on a day-to-day basis, knowing that he will never get to meet Tebow in person…knowing that he’s quite possibly on the registered sex offenders list in Colorado for making a series of lucid and graphic phonecalls to Tebow’s humble abode.
What further infuriated me today was when Skippy said that “More people hate Tim than T.O.” …. Are you fucking serious? No. No. No. Fuuuuuuuck…No. T.O is a certifiable head case, with legitimate psychological issues. Tebow is nothing more than a saint. No one hates Tim Tebow? How could you?
Oh wait…Maybe if Tim Tebow and all of his saint-ness is shoved down our throats 24/7 on the world’s top sports network.
In conclusion, I basically hate Tim Tebow. I realize I’ve contradicted myself a bit, but I’d like to thank Skip Bayless errr…Tebow? for that