Sunday, October 30, 2011

News from the NBA Lockout: White People Don't Care

Chad Selliers

What happens when the greediest of owners get together with the greediest of athletes in order to talk out their differences? Nothing…Yet.

                In the suburbs, the NBA is cool until you outgrow the phase of lowering your basketball hoop to 7 feet in order to dunk on it. Basketball is cool until the white people living in the suburbs realize how poorly they compare to African-American’s.  After that, white people toss the game of basketball lackadaisically aside like an errant Mike Tisdale pass on a fast break.

                Now, the top basketball league in the entire world is threatening to Mike Tisdale the 2011/2012 season on the basis of something I frankly don’t care enough about to research. But I do know this: They both want that cheddar and the small-market teams are losing money at a faster pace than they ever have before. What could this possibly be attributed to? I’ve pondered my very existence to find out.

                If I were a betting man, which I’m not because it’s a sin (and I don’t have any money to bet), I’d have to believe that the fact that out of 30 teams in the NBA, only about 8 have been relevant for about…um…65 years.

                Luckily for myself and pretty much everyone I know, it doesn’t matter. It doesn’t take a dead Red Auerbach to tell you that there is no defense played in the NBA. Since white people pride themselves on hard work, defense, layups and hustle, the NBA isn’t actually very appealing once your attention span grows to the level of an adult.

 Sure, it’s fun to watch LeBron James slice through the lane, take 8 steps and dunk over Brian Cardinal. And sure, it may be even more fun to tickle Nate Robinson in the locker room post game (if he lets you), but when it’s all said and done, if you really love the game of basketball, do you get anything out of it from a viewing perspective?

What do you get in the NBA that you don’t get it college? If you reverse that question you’ll find that in college, you get 52-49 snoozefests while at the same time getting to root for guys that get paid modestly in shoeboxes instead of $20mil checks. You get to experience March Madness, and by experience, I do mean lose money. But that’s all 10x more fun than watching your run of the mill 120-110 game in the NBA.

And if we’re completely honest, who really cares about any form of basketball until like February? Basketball is the bridge-gapper between football and baseball. It’s always been the third wheel in a primarily two wheeled American sports scene. The more I think about it, the happier I am their probably won’t be a NBA season this year. Of course, ESPN is going to glorify the coverage of the lockout, but do these already ridiculously overpaid players really need to keep the salary cap at $58mil rather than $45mil? Are they going to lose all of their money if, God forbid, they lose year 4 of their 6 year, $100mil contracts? As long as they don’t go around buying personal Boeings I think they’ll be fine.

I think that I speak for everyone when I say that I’m glad I won’t have to listen to LeBron cry about how he can’t shoot in the fourth quarter. In fact, I won’t have to watch or listen to the Heat at all! The only thing I’ll miss, aside from another Miami Heat implosion, is making fun of all of the Miami Heat bandwagoners.  

So what have we learned today?  In a world ruled by corruption and greed, the most corrupt group of owners and the greediest of all professional athletes are locked out and locked into a federal mediation room for the foreseeable future. I wouldn’t have it any other way.



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